Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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