dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
