I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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