I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
