Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
