I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
