before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
