All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I have aggressive nipples.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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