I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
