When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
