JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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