What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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