so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
