im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
