this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
