my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
