I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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