Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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