Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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