Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
