I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
