if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
