My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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