this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
