Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
