No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
