Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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