If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
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thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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