Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
