Umm I'm too high to move.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
