Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
