why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
