I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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