Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
