some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
why do cheetos always look like penises
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
