It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
