It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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