he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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