There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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