I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
