I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
