I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
