I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
