An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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