Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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