I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
