just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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