I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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