Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
