I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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