My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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