She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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