the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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